gone for much too long

hey my little pumpkins!

i know, you thought i had died or something, eh? no, just dropped off the face of the earth :(

i am sitting here, sick as a dog, in my chair in my dorm room with the shades drawn absolutely marveling at the vastness of the interwebz. i am really starting to realize just HOW much it sucks being sick and alone :(

remember when you were a kid and your mum would snuggle you up in blankets and bring you delicious soup and tea and feel your forehead with a hand that always seemed just the right temperature to make you feel comfortable? yeah, that was pretty awesome. now, when you are an adult and single with no roommates, you get to watch your small dorm room start to look more and more like a bomb exploded and you get to sleep for hours on end and you decide to just go without the tea and the soup because that would require moving, which does not help with the pounding-head situation. the huge differences between childhood and adulthood really seem to make themselves known when you need someone.

okay, enough with the sad stuff!

it is a new year! a new year with new possibilities! i hope everyone had an amazing holiday season, for mine was rather dull, and again, showed me that being an adult is not all it is cracked up to be. so for this new year i am going to put down some of my resolutions... a little late, but still :)

1. take more risks- i am going to put myself out there more and try and quell that deep dark terror of being rejected. i want to make new friends and go on new adventures and discover something new about life.

2. feel good about myself- whether this mean losing a few pounds, moving my body more, writing and going on long walks, yoga, or just taking time to breathe each day, i want to feel more at home in my own body.

3. feel comfortable to express myself- i want to feel confident enough to wear the clothes and make-up, or whatever, that feels like ME. i want to not be so afraid of what others are thinking of me, and maybe i will feel happier because my soul is getting what it needs. i want to show my art and writing to the world and not feel so worried about being judged.

this is my life... if i don't live it, then who will? :)

♥

breathe in and breathe out

learning how to take my life and live it moment to moment. i am learning how to stop, and breathe, and focus on what is good. it all moves so fast and i don't want to miss a thing.
am finding that the depression and anxiety is like a thick haze. it settles, usually triggered my something, and i am unable to shake it. it distorts my very balanced life (at the moment) and makes it seem to hard to move on. it may pass the next day, it may not. hopefully, discovering that this haze exists is another step towards finding away out when i lost and it is resting deep in my bones, callous and hungry. i look forward to the day i can turn to myself in my darkest moment and radiate love and serenity. i will be calm and full of light and i will take that haze and politely escort it out and ask it to please, never return. i look forward to this, and will do everything in my power to get there, because I WILL get there.
working, working, working. love it though. of course the youngin' can, occasionally, get on my nerves, but what job doesn't? it is exactly what i want, and need right now. lovely hours, good pay, flexible and helping out a truly wonderful family. i thank the universe a million times over for listening to my needs.
traveling to my hometown in norther california on thursday. staying the weekend and get to see my father while i am there. i know it will, of course, bring up some feelings. feelings i am not sure i will like, but feelings i need to feel anyway. i am so excited though for this last trip before school starts to see my loved ones and my hometown just be happy.

♥

whisper

psssssssssssssssstttttttt!

i like a boy :)

but he has a girlfriend :(

but i still like him ♥

really? REALLY?

i have a confession to make. i am completely and totally and completely inexperienced when it comes to love. i have never had a real boyfriend, the two boys that i have kissed where more gross than passionate, and i (now this is, apparently, the big one) have never had sex. i am 20 years old and have never had sex. there, i said it. when i say that to people they seem to remember that one fact about me more than any others.
so why the sudden brutal and embarrassing honesty? well let me just clue you in here: i am a hopeless romantic, in addition to all the lack of romance. so as you can see, i am very, VERY frustrated person when it comes to love. i have read the books, the poetry, the movies, the music, and i feel that i could love someone and be loved and it could be something spectacular and rare and amazing... however, i have never even come close. so instead i give my friends love and relationship advice. by sitting on the side lines for so long, i have been able to observe SO many other relationships that i have a clear head when it comes to this stuff now. ya know, the love stuff. i mean, i am scared that i am losing the romantic side of myself based on the fact that so many of friends have taken such absolute bullshit from men, and i am someone who is not willing to do that. i figure after waiting all this bloody time for the "real thing" it might as well be the best "real thing" i can possibly get. i am terrified i am going to settle as some of friends have done, and yet i am even more terrified that i will not take a risk and be with someone who is not perfect-according-to-me because i am also terrified of being treated like crap.
although honestly i am not sure why i am worrying... there is absolutely no one. no possibilities. i don't know how to do this. this whole relationship/dating thing. ugh, just thinking about it gives me a bit of a headache. the very large part of me who has held out on settling for so long yearns for love every single day and cannot wait.... but then this new part of me wonders....

is it even worth it?

i wish, i wander, i flit, i flutter

going over the things in my mind, the things i have filed away and have not taken out for a while. my father. my goals. my wishes, both current and cracked and fading. my pain, my embarrassments. everything seems to come rushing out when you even try and inch open that wrought iron gate in your mind, the one that is straining and screeching at the seems, begging you to unload some of the baggage you have placed behind it's walls. i have managed to close it again, but for a brief moment i was overcome with the intensity of what it is to be human. the brief encounters you have with people, the fights with your parents, the making and losing of friends. everything piles. i am honestly surprised how humans have the ability to function when so many things have happened to them and continue to happen to them. we walk around and try to keep everything in control, we keep ourselves, our true crazy selves at bay, so everyone else will see the cool calm, sane person society wants us to be. how are we all not huddled in the corner eating our hair?!

i want my life to be more simple. simplicity sort of seems like the way to go. i want my life to be rich and full in some places though, so i am sort of confused as to the road i should be taking, the decisions i should be making the things i should be doing, doing, doing. i guess my therapist is right; now is definitely the time to be finding out who the hell i am. 'cause i honestly i haven't a clue.

plights of the everyday rustic.

i am having a hard time managing my money. i went on a little spending spree not too long ago and i am paying dearly for it. i charged up a fairly large amount on my credit card and am not hating the constant feeling of it dangling over my head. granted my payments are only $15 a month, but i am one who truly, TRULY hates to be in debt. i usually do not charge more than $50 on my card just because i can easily pay that back in one payment. i am finally coming to terms with the fact that i am going to have to pay this off for a while, or else win the lottery and pay it all off.... (i am leaning towards the latter).

i want to travel. i want to write everyday and drink wine and listen to romantic french music sung by a hauntingly tragic french woman. i want to fall deeply and madly in love with a beautiful boy and swim in the ocean and lakes and rivers with him and have him feed me wild fresh berries. i want to make lots of friends with strong, powerful, loving kindred spirits and spend my days laughing and loving and learning with them. i want to explore and take pictures and make art and decorate my dorm room. i want to work occasionally at my dream job, basically just writing all day, and make more than enough money so i can be comfortable and also help my family and friends in need. i want to swirl and dance and sing and hike and grow a garden full of flowers as big as my head and vegetables as crisp and delicious as a summer day by the pool. i want to be beautiful and healthy and make things happen in my life, but also know how to slow down and enjoy the smaller things as well. i want to be able to breathe freely. i want there to be no more hurting, no more fighting, no more horrible choices that hurt others. i want everyone to realize the love and potential and light within themselves so we can all grow and love and BE together.

i want to make music until the end of my days.

i will always love.
♥

the way we were

this post is really for me. me and only me. i am all i have left. i am floating, totally and completely alone. the others have passed through, made their tracks, left me battered and trampled. they rise above and fly away. i curl up and watch from the dirt. my headaches follow even after the caffeine and protein. they are a constant thud, an unshakable dread, an exhaustion behind every waking minute. i am running in circles it seems, alone, running, yet never fully moving. i feel tired and vulnerable, scrape clean. every part of me is raw. i need my village. i need my support and love back. i took it for granted, i see that now. i need the real thing, not the fake, plastic caring those older ones offered. it broke easily under the strain of distance. one remains. one whom seems to hold my heart, yet i do not trust even that one. she is my constant companion, but she is not the one, not the one to make my heart soar. she is no soul mate of mine, but a dear friend still. i burden her with the weight of my sad solitude, she sees it in my eyes every now and again and looks away hurriedly. i want everything to rewind. i want a do-over at so many things, it is painful to remember.
school starts in the fall. my upcoming distraction. i want to rally. i want to blow their minds. i want to blow my own mind and no care what they think. i want my beloved community. i need it.
i got lost. very lost recently. i am finding it hard to know what it is i even like anymore, what i want, or what i really, truly just need. how do i simplify when all i ever do is want, want, want!

this much too much for one therapist to ever sort through. honestly i don't know how they do it.